


Falling Deeper

by astudyinfic



Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Depression, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Ty is a good boyfriend, emotional angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2020-09-23 16:35:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20343235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astudyinfic/pseuds/astudyinfic
Summary: Sometimes the darkness closed in and Zane struggled to pull himself back out.





	Falling Deeper

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been in a bad place for a week or two now (not as bad as Zane in this fic but still pretty bad) and as I have no Ty of my own, I did the next best thing and wrote what it would be like. **Be careful with triggers as this is heavily focused on Zane’s depression and has brief sort-of suicide reference (doesn’t actually happen so no worries there)**. So read at your own risk.
> 
> Originally posted [here](http://astudyinfic.tumblr.com/post/183686009874/falling-deeper-tyzane-ficlet) and previously on AO3.

The darkness closed in, pressing down on him from all sides. Zane struggled against it, telling himself he was stronger than this, that he could push past it if he just tried hard enough. But the more he struggled with it, the worse he felt until there nothing remained but that emptiness echoing hollow inside of him. 

Since meeting Ty, the episodes had become less frequent and less intense, nothing a good sparring session or some ice cream couldn’t fix. Even in their darkest times, Ty was the light that pulled Zane out of the darkness. It was true in New York and it was true now. Ty was his compass, his lighthouse, his everything.

But this time, he could see no hope, no light. He was adrift with no idea how to get back to the security of shore. No matter where he looked, there was nothing but sea and sky, and for the first time in years, Zane felt utterly and completely alone. 

It would be so easy to let himself drown in the pain, he thought. He could just give up, stop fighting and sink to the bottom of the ocean. It wasn’t that he wanted to kill himself. Zane knew how much that would hurt the ones around him and he didn’t want that. But, ceasing to exist? Sometimes that sounded nice. Utter oblivion; no more pain, no more darkness. 

Just, nothing. 

Ty was trying. Zane had to give him credit for that, even if nothing he was doing actually helped. Sparring almost always made him feel better but he couldn’t concentrate well enough and ended up on his ass more often than not. It left him frustrated and angry with himself. He had no ideas for painting, even when Ty offered his own body as the canvas. Reading held no interest; he couldn’t focus on the story, even if he wanted to. All he could do was sit on the couch and pretend - for Ty’s sake - that he was okay. That this emptiness was passing. 

Even if every day it dragged him further down. 

The only thing that kept him from falling back into his old, self-destructive habits was the knowledge of how disappointed Ty would be in him. He’d been sober for years, rarely even felt the desire to drink and the drugs no longer interested him at all. But what he wouldn’t give for that sweet burn of the liquor down his throat, the floating contentedness of his favorite high. But every time his fingers itched to go find something to drink and somewhere to hide until it passed, he looked down at his wedding ring. 

Zane couldn’t let Ty down. His husband deserved better than that.

“I’m here for you, you know that,” Ty said one day, sitting on the couch next to him and taking Zane’s hand in his own. “And so is Deuce, and Doc, and Ma. If you can’t talk to me, maybe you can talk to one of them.”

Zane shook his head, squeezing Ty’s hand weakly. “Talking doesn’t help.” It would help once he got out of this. Logically he knew that eventually this fog would lift and he’d feel like himself again. But it was hard to remember it when he felt like he was sinking and he was dragging everyone around him down as well. 

A humorless laughed passed his lips at the thought and Zane leaned heavily against Ty. He kept his eyes towards the ground and listened to Ty’s heartbeat, trying to relax. “You told me once I was your anchor. I never realized how true that was. I’m pulling you down with me. You should cut and run before I drown us both.”

While he couldn’t see Ty’s face, he felt his husband tense and his arms wrapped around Zane, holding him tight. Zane didn’t know what he’d said to upset him so much and he tried to pull away. Obviously, he was just going to keep hurting Ty so he should go, no matter how much Zane wanted to stay right where he was. “You’re not going anywhere, darlin’,” Ty drawled, manhandling Zane until they were both lying on the couch, Zane’s head still pillowed on Ty’s chest. “And neither am I.”

Afraid of what he would see if he looked up, Zane turned his face slightly so it rested against Ty’s shirt and inhaled deeply. The scent of his lover helped cut through the haze just a little and Zane relaxed ever so slightly when Ty began to speak again. “I can’t pretend I know what you are going through. But you are wrong about you dragging me down. And even if you were, I’d go happily to the bottom with you. It’s you and me forever, Zane. Isn’t that what we promised each other?” One of his hands carded through Zane’s hair and his eyes fluttered closed while Ty continued to speak. His accent more pronounced, Zane realized that Ty was actually upset about this. 

“If you need space, I can give that to you. If you need to talk to someone, I’ll find them for you. If you need to rage and cry and hit something, you know I’m always up for a good fight.” Zane laughed a little at that, the first smile he’d cracked in days. “But I will never leave you, Zane. So tell me what you need and I’ll do that but if you tell me to cut and run again, I will beat your ass the moment you start feeling better.”

As far as pep talks go, it was classic Grady, and Zane wondered what he’d done to deserve this man in his life. But as for what Ty could do, Zane was at a loss. Even he couldn’t figure out how to help himself so how was he supposed to direct Ty. 

They were silent for several minutes until Zane sighed and wrapped an arm around Ty’s waist. “Just hold me for now? We can figure out everything else later.” He didn’t feel better, exactly. Ty hadn’t miraculously cured him and Zane knew it would probably be several more days before he could even start to find his way out of the darkness. But Ty was there, with him. Ty wasn’t leaving him alone in the dark. And that was enough for now.


End file.
